Sunday, January 29, 2006

Another stormy day here in New Westminster.

I have superb view of the Pattulo Bridge (AKA Bridge of Death) from my living room window, and I just spent a good hour staring out of it. Our apartment building is, let's say, antiquely, so when the winds flair up the single-paned windows shake, rattle and literally, roll on their sills. A dark and stormy day; no more interesting than any other day, until about mid afternoon.

Sometimes there are moments in life that we anticipate so much, that the moment itself can start to seem like a fantasy that will never be real. Sometimes willing something excessively will only add to burden and problem itself. But most often, we only obsess over something if it really matters. If we have a vested or emotional interest in it. If we care for it and reasons don't matter.

I have been willing something to happen for many months now. Now that it has finally happened, on this windy, rainy afternoon, my relief is unsettling. Relief it surely is--undeniably and without doubt the hallow feeling inside has subsided substantially, for now anyways. And I feel glad that my conscious can relax, for now anyways. And all it took was a call. A call from a long-lost friend, who apparently did receive my wishes and prayers for strength and managed to make that all-important, mid-afternoon call.

On such a dark and stormy day.

Such a bright and sunny day, to me.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

My bedtime is ever fluctuating.
At times I am so tired at 10pm that I can crash out and sleep for at least 10 hours if the morning schedule allows me to do so. Other nights, when sleep eludes me until the wee hours of the morning, my mind is restless and I will busy myself visa vi: reading, surfing, watching the idiot box or simply tossing and turning in bed working imaginary conversations and situations over in my head. Whew. It sounds so exhausting to actually go through the routine out loud. Surely I am not alone; in comparison to an insomniacs troubles I might as well take my complaints and hit the road. It's just lately, the time before I sleep seems to be the time when my mind has the chance to slow down enough to address the real things going on in my life.
This scares me. And there is, apparently, no way to stop a brain once it gets going. One can try to lead it away when something... umm... ugly... comes up, but one way or another, the brain will bring you right back to that ugly something. And it's always (for me anyways) the last thing I end up thinking, dreaming, and imagining about right before I truly fall asleep. I think my brain is trying to, like, force some kind of psychological therapy upon me right now. Right at this pinnacle moment in my life (okay, maybe not pinnacle, but at least important) and my brain seems to be forcing me to confront things that I don't want to confront, haven't confronted and really don't want to confront now--right now. Right now being 11:23 pm. Always before bed.
I guess the brain really is in charge. From now on I will trust the stream of bedtime consciousness, not fight it. There must be some kind of plan at work here...
Numerology. A simple science of numbers. I was up late the other night (surprise, surprise) and at about 2am a woman came onto CFUN 1410am who had been practicing numerology for almost 20 years. She talked about how everyone has a life path and attitude number that can be figured out by doing simple equations using the numbers in a birth date. She did a few readings on call-in-listeners, and to me, she seemed to be fairly accurate. At the end of the show (and, yes, I did listen to the whole half-hour show) she gave her website and the name her book. I fell asleep that night thinking of numerology, and how maybe understanding my own numbers and the numbers of those around me, might help me as I deal with certain ugly things in my life.

Check out "The Numbers Lady's" website and figure out your lifepath and attitude numbers:

I am a 3-life path and an 8 attitude. I checked a few of my close friends and family members numbers and was amazed how accurate most of it was. Maybe something simple like this is just what a need to kick me in the ass as I cruise down this path... to help me know where the potholes, speed bumps and radar traps might pop up.

Late night pondering leads to erratic sleep habits and interesting motivations. Eye for an eye.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The beginning blog.
To start, I am somewhat unsure as to point of this blog. Ever since I first heard of "blogging" and "bloggers" and "bloggees" (okay, I made the last one up...) my attitude has been fairly cynical. Really, I do not yet understand or can imagine what the real advantage to blogging is. I cannot fathom who in this world would be just randomly interested in my free-time babble about relatively insignificant happenings in my life. Do these people exist? Well, they must, because blogging is so popular these days. If you are reading this, you are proving to me that there is a point to this other than typing practice... furthermore; that people who just read blogs for the heck of reading blogs, really do exist. That's all for now. Nothing much buzzing at the moment...
Eng beginning blog.

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